It Ends w/Innocence Already Lost
by Death101a
Summary: short and kinda angsty with a touch of shonen-ai.. about Quatre, no one else


This is a songfic, but it's kinda weird. I did this to the ending theme sung in Serial Experiments Lain. But that's sung in Japanese, and I don't know Japanese, so really it was done to the subtitles. But anyway, I don't own Serial Experiments Lain, the song, or Gundam Wing. Nor do I claim to. Nor am I getting money from this in any way. A touch of shonen-ai, so if you no like it, then no read it. Also, this is kinda angsty. And OOCness.. and, damn, this fic just sucks. But I'm leaving it up 'cause I liek the song, and am going to re-do it (eventually), and I only have 2 other stoires uploaded. I should probably delete it... *sigh* I will when I get some more stuff up. But if you want, you may read this junk and laugh...  
  
  
It Ends With Innocence Already Lost  
  
by Shinigamis"I suck at naming things"Angel  
  
  
  
  
//I thought I was innocent//  
  
Everyone thought of him as 'innocent'. How could a soldier in a war ever be thought of as innocent? His innocense had been irrevocably eradicated when he had made his first kill. That had been it. No getting it back.   
  
He remembered his first kill. The deafening last cry of agoiny, seconds before the earth shattering explosion. Well, maybe not earth shattering for the experienced soldiers around him. It had perminatly changed him, although he tried not to let anyone see that change.  
  
He always asked forgiveness for his wrongdoings, but he still had commited them. He still known they were wrong. But still, he found himself saying 'Sorry'. He never expected to be absolved, anyway, so why did he bother?  
  
//But I am being punshied//  
  
Everyday was torment. The screams, the blood. His soul bore with it too much guilt and sorrow, witnessed too much suffering and death. Was it posible to feel this much pain without being phsyically hurt?  
  
//I didn't start this//  
  
What kind of society needs a war to progress? What could justify starting a war? To them, it had just been a game.  
  
//But I have to finish it somehow//  
  
A game in which my comrades and I had to make the finishing move. Otherwise, they never would have stopped toying with people's lives...  
  
//I can't say I didn't know about it//  
  
Even as a child, the signs of war were everwhere. They tried to shelter me from it. But I always knew.  
  
//But I don't remember taking part in it//  
  
Did I really know what I was getting into? Could I have understood what pain my friends and I would have to go through, and that we would have to sacrifice our youth and our innocence to our missions? I would do it again. If someone has to bear the brunt of the agony of war, it should be me.   
  
//I have the feeling my freedom cost me dearly//  
  
Can you put a cost on freedom? I can't say I only lost. I found people who understood me, people who were strong and could support me.   
  
I found a true love. Well.. sortof... it's a single-sided relationship, as far as I can tell. Withdrawn, and quiet.. but still, I love him. Even if he does not return it, that love has given me so much strength and hope, I don't know what I could have done without it. Oh, Trowa, I wish I could tell you..  
  
//But I don't remember selling my soul cheaply//  
  
Each one of these battles has be killing me. Each victim of mine takes a part of my soul with him to the afterlife. I don't want to be dead on the inside. That frightens me.  
  
//Hey, Hey!  
Until I die, and say goodbye...//  
  
Death or madness. I tried madness. It's worse than death. I still hold so much self-hatred for myself over that. No matter what the other say, if only I had been stronger. If only I hadn't built the damn thing in the first place! There isn't an excuse for what I did. The fact that it did show is that I do, in fact, have a dark side. A healthy one at that.  
  
//Hey, Hey!  
No one will ever catch me!//  
  
I've been running for so long. From responsibiliy.. ha, that's a big part of why I first accepted Sandrock. I didn't want to be heir. Sure, I wanted to protect my family, and I wanted to protect the colonies that I love, but still... I was running from being 'the heir'  
  
I hated being the heir. I didn't feel anyone loved me for me. They loved The Heir. They loved who the heir was supposed to be. I was reprimanded for not 'acting like the heir'. There heir was me, wasn't he? So, how could I not act like him, unless 'the heir' was some ideal everyone had in store for me, wether I liked it or not. So, by going to fight, I could finally rid myself of being the damned heir! Well, if only I weren't the only son...  
  
How naive I was. Rather go fight a war than inherit a corporate empire? Of course, people say I'm still navie... and I guess I am being a little unfair to Rashid. Maybe only Rashid cared for the -me- me... and, of course, the other Gundam pilots. Oh well. I still love those who only loved 'the heir'. I'd still die to protect any of them.  
  
//You probably don't know about the eternal raiders,  
Who wander the distant night//  
  
The restless essences of those I have killed came to me in dreams for a long time. But now they're everywhere, and are with me all the time. They're watching me now. I have taken so many lives. Lives that aren't mine to take. Now...  
  
Now there is only one last life to take.   
  
+++  
  
  
  
  
And now, in 2 sentences, what this story was about (in case you didn't follow). Quatre is agonizing over the fact that he's killed so many people. He decides to kill himself.   
  
At first I didn't even know who's POV I was going to be writing from, so that's why there's OOCness.   
  
I wrote this fast, so I'm sorry that it sucks. I was just getting sick and tired of reading all these stories where Duo kills himself. I dunno why, but I have yet to read a fic where anyone other than Duo kills himself (well, in some of them Heero killed himself soon after, but Duo did it first). I'm sure they're out there, it's just I've yet to find them. Anyway, this is my first fic, since I originally only signed up so I could use Author Alert.... Anyway, if you made it down this far, thanks for reading!  
  
{{ Oh yea, and a short li'l responce to a review, Yea, I now Quatre's kinda OOC, and I'm sorry, but like I said, I didn't even know who I was writing about until halfway through. I was just sick of poor Duo dying all the time. Not like I have anything against Quatre, of course ;) }}  
  
-ShinigamisAngel (shinigamisangel@yahoo.com) 


End file.
